digitalpyro

i am a digitalpyro!

I Am Ready

The Business of Feeling Alive.

Less than 30 days from now will be the 3rd anniversary since I started designing, engineering, and creating my mark on this planet. Three years of sacrifice - three full years of my life gone. Three years since I cut my hair because of a promise I made to myself regarding my goals. Three years since I cared about my own health more than achieving this goal of mine. Three years since I remembered how to live...

The other evening I actually took some time to do something that I haven't done much of over the past three years, I reflected on life. I have set goals that require my complete attention, letting almost everything I care about in my life go except for attaining the knowledge necessary to accomplish this. No socializing, no leisure time, no family time, no balance whatsoever in the past three years because I truly believe that the only real important asset that we have is an illusion, and such an illusion is near impossible to master without guidance, the illusion I am speaking of is time. So I stopped my work for an evening to check up on one thing I really miss - I checked up on people. I Google'd and Myspace'd almost everyone I know and went through my Myspace friends to see what they were all up to. Then, I randomly looked for people I didn't know anymore. I really don't know what I was looking for, or what I looked to gain from doing so, but I spent a few consecutive hours doing this (which in my world is an ocean of time I am not working or sleeping). What stood out to me from that time was that after searching online for everybody I could think of with no end in sight, I stopped abruptly after I found someone I hadn't contacted in years. My heart began racing and my head began boggling because this one person that I have missed so much, I couldn't understand why I stopped knowing them. In a world that is to me so figured out, its the instances in life like this where life itself becomes a mystery all over again because there was no logic behind what I was feeling, and even less logic behind why the situation between me and this person is the way it is. It was strange, I knew I was done searching the second I typed their name in. Before I began reading into this person, I sat there and wondered why I no longer knew this person and remembered the last time we had contact with each other - I was saddened. For as brief as my relationship was with this person, I felt like I had known them forever and remembered all of their personality crystal clear, missed that person, and even remembered and missed their family. I found it even more odd that I reminded myself of this person's stepfather when I first began on this journey. Already revved up about this person, I still didn't completely understand why I felt so abruptly halted at this point, or what it was about this person that immediately glued my eyes to the screen to read on. Then it dawned on me that looking back at who this person was, I don't think there could be a more compatible person for me in this world. And I am not even speaking romantically, I am thinking in terms of the minds of two people coming together. What puzzled me more than the idea that if we had known each other this entire time we'd probably be the best of friends and they'd quite possibly be one my most favorite people in the world, was I could not figure out if my life depended on it why I had not thought of this person much since I had not know them anymore. Was it because I believed that they had a false idea of me? Pedro gossip sucked. Was it because our time to really know each other had not come yet? When we were young, we were just that, young. When we met again when we were a little older, I was in love couldn't give my time to another. I can't figure it out. THEN, I began reading. Who this person was becoming made so much sense to me, and the biggest surprise was that who this person was becoming could possibly be a great compliment to me professionally. For the past week now I have had only one idea stuck in my head. I want to find this person and know them for the rest of my life.

...And that is as far as "living" goes in my world nowadays. I have forgotten what it is like to go out on a Saturday night - haven't had a drink or partied in almost a year. I am so engulfed in a world full of files and TLA's like TLD PHP CSA ASP CSS FLA XLS XML PDF PSD EFS and hundreds more that any world outside of the internet has begun to feel void. And though that's great for someone whose life is entireley about working on several internet technologies, it is beginning to feel hard to imagine what the future holds for me as I finally present the world with the array of thoughts and ideas I have been holding in my mind all this time. In three years I have yet to approach a single investor yet by the end of this year I will have presented to hundreds. And what this means is that by the end of the year I may begin to live a normal life once again, I just hope that there is no "too late" for learning how to live your life all over again. I hope there is no "too late" for learning how to feel alive. Because in this race against time in which I am finally beginning to see things transpire before my very eyes, I am also seeing my life and the life of others past right by me. I guess there is a small comfort in knowing that the time I am spending will be worth it.

A re-introduction coming soon.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Wet Sand

I identify with the parts in bold.



Wet Sand

Artist: Red Hot Chili Peppers

Album: Stadium Arcadium - Jupiter

---------------------------------


My shadow side so amplified

Keeps coming back dissatisfied

Elementary son but it's so…



My love affair with everywhere

Was innocent why do you care

Someone start the car

Time to go…you’re the best I know



My sunny side has up and died

I'm betting that when we collide

The universe will shift into a low



The travesties that we have seen

Are treating me like Benzedrine

Automatic laughter from a pro



My what a good day for a walk outside

I'd like to get to know you a little better baby

God knows that I'll really tried



My what a good day for a take out bride

I'd like to say we did it for the better of



I saw you there so unaware

Those hummingbirds all in your hair

Elementary son but it's so



The disrepair of Norma Jean

Could not compare to your routine

Balarama beauty going toe to toe



My what a good day just to let it slide

I'd like to say we did it for the better of



I thought about it and I brought it out

I'm motivated by the lack of doubt

I'm consecrated but I'm not devout

The mother, the father, the daughter



Right on the verge just one more dose

I'm traveling from coast to coast

My theory isn't perfect but it's close

I'm almost there why should I care

My heart is hurting when I share

Someone open up and let it show



My what a good day for a walk outside

I'd like to think we did it for the better of



I thought about it and I brought it out

I'm motivated by the lack of doubt

I'm consecrated but I'm not devout

The mother, the father, the daughter



You don't form in the wet sand

You don't form at all

You don't form in the wet sand

I do Yeah



You don't form in the wet sand

You don't form at all

You don't form in the wet sand

I do

Honor Thy Vow.

My vow to myself:

- I WILL NOT BUY A NEW CAR UNTIL I CAN AFFORD IN FULL A NEW PORSCHE GEMBALLA 997 TWIN TURBO. IN SILVER OR BLACK.


- I WILL NOT CUT MY HAIR UNTIL I HAVE AT LEAST 1 MILLION IN MY OWN PERSONAL BANK ACCOUNT.


- I WILL NOT BUY NEW CLOTHES UNTIL MY FAT ASS LOSES AT LEAST 30LBS. I GAINED 60 IN 3 MONTHS. GOT ONLY 30 TO GO.

RESET

Sometimes we have to hit Reset to make our systems work...

It clears out the memory to allow for better processing. Sometimes it allows for new and improved programs to load into memory upon starting up. I hit my own reset button a couple of weeks ago for the first time in years to get myself on track. Out of all the people I know, I am one of the only ones who is nearly completely self taught, and completely self-motivated. No formal education is attributed to my technical knowledge that will ultimately allow me to reach my financial goals. Years of research, book reading, trial and error practice, and a great imagination will get me there. There is no goal I can't overcome. And if there has been any delay, it is because deep in me I have found that I don't have "a reason" of my own to succeed for. There was one time in my life that I had such a reason to motivate me, and at that time I was at the top of my game. But long since leaving that behind, I led a life that was very self-destructive (yet very life experience gaining).
"Loneliness will make you throw your sins away" - Henry Rollins.

Since moving on from the self-destruction I found it harder than ever to find meaning through the lack of a delusion. So I will do this for all of you that I care for, and though I will enjoy the success that will ultimately come of it, always remember that I left my character intact as it is here and now...
If you were to see me around lately you may hear and see me mutter the words "No I Don't!" every now and then. I am not going crazy, I am just training myself to no longer need anymore. "No I Don't!" is me telling myself "No I Don't want that". I hope soon enough I believe it so I don't feel so compelled to need "a reason" to get things done anymore. I never needed much to be happy, and though I won't buy a new car until I can afford a new Porsche 997 Turbo, this material possession was never enough to get me going. Unfortunately my drive is not dependent obtaining these worldly things, and since I can't (and really never had) have what I want, this Reset has to yield a mindset that runs on another type of fuel. Maybe a sense of true altruism to help society. I guess we will see...

So in the meantime, I apologize to those who I have inconvenienced for taking so long and being so late in completing my work, you all have done all that you could. And since I am ultimately the only one capable of fulfilling this destiny that I have laid before all of you, I will remember your loyalty and patience with me as this concept that I have designed and am creating from scratch is only the first one of many that are ready to become a reality...

This ignorance is not my style.

It Is What It Is

Though I am one person who doesn't live in regret, I would trade what is left of my life to redo much of my past. The path that has grown me to who I am now has been long, hard, and unsupervised. I strive for things for which there is no true model. And that is my life. I have come to terms with that and the fact that it is what it is. I can't change the past or the life that I led during it - but I have have changed - I will change in the future. The life's lessons paid to be here now have been a heavy cost (relatively, everything is relative) and all I can do now is be and let others be with me. Let those embrace what it is embrace all that I have to offer. Fate works in such ways that lead to this. There is no coincidence. Why? Because the physics of the universe don't allow it. Everything is defined by a set of rules that have a conclusion for every action. In the end there is a balance, and sometimes even a harmony or chaos. Relatively. Look at everything. There is balance. We wouldn't exist otherwise. And for this very reason that we are in balance and cannot change who we are meant to be and what futures lies ahead for any of us, we can influence how we decide to react to this nature. If we chose to obide by emotions that are not relative to the immediate time - then that is fate, and everything that sprouts from that as well. We have our place, whatever it is. If we chose to control - then it was our fate to control - our obligation or chosen duty was a result of a series of events. And a series of events that cannot be changed. Why? Because noone is perfect - and if there was such a thing as life perfection - people would cookie cut it and make it their own. Say it is bullshit but why really did you do that? You don't know. You can rationalize, but in all reality - you don't know. Ok. Live your life by the rules that you do and always be surprised and confused rather than just embracing the life that results from it. It could always be better or worse - but it always is. Period. And whatever it is (or isn't) It is what it is - and I will always be here, the best that I can be, unconditional - because I get it - nothing will stop me from becoming - all I can change is how I decide to react to my future - how will you decide to react with me?